who are you pointing the finger at?
You know or work with this person
I spent the past few days helping out at a community event and found myself getting increasingly frustrated with my interactions with one of the other people involved. It seemed that this guy did everything to get on my nerves, no matter what he said or did it just seemed to rub me the wrong way. By the end of the first day I thought I was ready to “kill” him. You can imagine that I was not looking forward to dealing with him on day two, but there was really not much of a choice, the event had to go on.
Day two arrived and this person showed up and did the same things, said the same things and behaved in exactly the same way, so you would think that by the end of day two I may have been ready to literally kill him!
You probably know someone just like this guy or work with someone just like him.
BUT I didn’t want to kill him after day two….. and you probably want to know why.
A quick reflection
I take time out to try to figure out what it is about a person or a situation that gets me worked up, and dealing with this guy was no exception. So when I looked at the situation there were a couple of choices. I could confront the guy with a litany of items about the things he was saying and doing that were getting on my nerves or I could take a different perspective.
It’s not about him (or her or them)
That different perspective was that it is NOT about him (or her or them), it was about me, and when you are dealing with the person described above the truth is that more often than not it is about YOU!
So unless that persons words or actions are actually offensive, unethical or in some way illegal you have to acknowledge that this ”annoying person” is doing the best that they know how, and they probably maintain a whole range of relationships in which they do not get on the other persons nerves. In which case what really bugs you is that their words or actions are rubbing up against a belief that you carry about how someone should talk to you or treat you, and if you spend a few moments in reflection to figure out what that belief is, then you are in a better position change YOUR approach to the person or situation and let those minor annoyances slide on by.
Who are you going to point the finger at?
So next time you need to deal with that annoying person that you know or work with are you going to keep pointing the finger at him, her or them, or are you going to point the finger at yourself? Have you had a moment like the one described above…. what where your thinking processes? How did you re-frame the situation? Share your thoughts in the comments section below……
While I agree to a certain point that the best way to deal with someone who is annoying you is to reexamine your own expectations of their behavior, I feel we have these expectations in place for a reason. Taking into account cultural and familial differences as well as the circumstances surrounding an incident, I’ve found that many people do annoying things without realizing they’re doing them and might even appreciate some well-meaning feedback.
For instance, chewing with your mouth open. I have a good friend who does this without realizing it, and it frustrates me to no end. But I think, as Madeline mentioned, it’s more about how you respond to the problem than figuring out how to change your own reaction to it.
If I shouted at my friend to close his mouth while chewing, he would be humiliated and angry. But it’s much easier to say, “Hey, do you mind closing your mouth when you’re chewing? It’s just a little pet peeve of mine.” And then move on. I think if you alert people of things that bother you – without making a big deal of it – they’ll be more likely to appease you and will hopefully remember it next time, too.
I don’t think the fact that someone is getting on your nerves is entirely their problem or entirely yours. I think you need to meet each other halfway – be courteous with your feedback at the same time that you reexamine your own behavior.
Thanks Hayley, another interesting perspective on it. One which would obviously work in some circumstances. Part of the challenge is figuring out which circumstance this type of approach is appropriate for.
http://bit.ly/g3Cn1h
a look back…: Its not about him, her or them http://bit.ly/g3Cn1h
I really liked this post. I’ve always considered myself the kind of person who can get along with almost anyone, but when I don’t, it drives me nuts. I can recall a similar situation a while back with a new colleague at work. They really rubbed me the wrong way. In time I realized it really wasn’t them that was the problem. It was my expectations that were the problem. We have certain expectations and if people don’t meet them it bothers us. Letting go of those expectations allows us to remain open an accepting.
Jason, isn’t it amazing the difference that shifting your perspective makes. When it stops being about them and you realise it is about your perception a whole lot of problems just seem to melt away.
There are lots of strategies to deal with this problem. As you discussed, one is just reminding yourself that another person is doing the best he can. I use this and it’s helpful. Most of the time, anyway.
Sometimes I need to remember that it’s a matter of cultural or regional differences, as when someone in a restaurant in the state where I live now calls me “Hon.” I tend to find it condescending and attribute it to my age. Then I recall that addressing people of any age as “Hon” or even “Sweetie” is the custom here.
Another one I use is with someone who interrupts me. Instead of saying, “You interrupted me”, I try something like, “Let me finish my thought.” If done right (it takes practice) I don’t feel so annoyed and the other person will politely let me finish.
Madeleine, those cultural differences are also a really important point to remember, and to remember that there is always more than one way to re-frame and overcome a problem.