Looking for the fire in his eyes

SamuelSamuel is back in hospital …….

My last post was about where I have been for the past months and I mentioned my son having been in hospital for part of that time (you’ll find the reason for it in the post how did I get here).

The warmth of the fire in his eyes

The thing that has always struck me about my brave little man is that no matter how sick he has been (and he has been incredibly unwell on far too many occassions), I have always been positive and hopeful because he has always had a fire in his eyes.

Samuel has been very sleepy over the past days and has only had his eyes open for a few minutes here and there (one of those occassions captured in the image above). When his eyes are open I find myself desperately looking  in hope for the fire that has always been in his eyes, but right now I’m struggling to find just a spark.

Watching and waiting for the spark

We have had the palliative team involved in Samuel’s care for a while, so conversations about death and dying are sadly way too familiar, but have always been tempered for me by the fire in Samuel’s eyes and the hope that it gives me. 

It is only once before that I have not seen the fire in Samuel’s eyes and it was for a brief time and then the spark took hold and the fire returned to his eyes, but this time it feels different and I cant put my finger on why it feels different. So we are settling in to watch and wait all over again. 

What to do while I watch and wait……

I’ve been doing my best to follow my own advice, like how to sit with sadness, and how to be courageous . So for now I am going to take a leaf from the advice about courage… and I am going put on the uniform of “Dad” knowing what I might be called on for and I am going to keep whispering to myself ….

” I will try again tomorrow”