Today marks one year….. one year of missing my little man. Holding his hand and stroking his hair and watching the rise and fall of his chest for the last time and the beat of that strong little heart stop was the hardest moment of my life.
Throughout Samuel’s life after his accident… everything.. and I mean everything was a countdown.. everything had a before and after and the milestones we counted to and from were not those we expected…… One year….and still counting and feeling the unmovable weight of grief.
Countdown to Eternity
and just a few short years.
Counting days, weeks
then months and years
from THAT day.
Two timers counting
equals half of THAT time,
equals THAT time,
doubles THAT time.
markers of survival,
markers of decline.
Heart stopped… clock stopped.
three twenty pm.
Reset… new counter
Same milestones to pass
THIS time… THAT time
Though no more pauses THIS time,
days, weeks, months
since you’ve been gone.
One year down
Waiting for solace to be found..
a countdown to eternity.
Like many people I spend far too many hours behind the wheel of a car. To or from work…. during work from place to place, appointment to appointment.
The roads absorb so much time… and as part of my profession I’ve also seen them take so much.
A meditation on the roads of life.
The shifting speckled serpentine,
simultaneously coming and going,
Weaving its way across the landscape.
Lines…. solid, dashed and spotted,
or sometimes gouged and scratched
by injuries to its inky back,
where metal and plastic, skin and bone once collided.
Conveying hopes, dreams and frustrations,
bearing the crosses
and scars of wasted time
and of wasted lives.
There is not a single day that passes by that I am not missing my little man, or that there are not small reminders that hurt and bring to mind Samuel’s absence. I am continuing to learn many things about the “process” of grieving, and small signs that remind me that there are things bigger and more mysterious than this life to connect us to our loved ones.
Whilst on a break of a couple of days, I took the photo above of the clouds at sunset over the ocean, and while watching this scene I was thinking about the ocean and the clouds and their constant movement, their power to heal when they are a source of reflection or the power to harm when they rage together.
It was not until looking at the photo that I picked up what to me looks like hands joined together making the shape of heart, and giving my heart a twinge, and the words of this poem came to me……
The restrictions wrought
by the confines of care,
were recognised as the reward
for the purity of our love.
The freedoms gained
are forever tainted
by the spectre of your absence.
A day of meaning,
and a day of menace.
A day of cultural arrival,
and cultural denial.
A day of celebration,
and a day of decimation.
A day to unite,
that also divides.
Where history is spun,
we are many, but one.
When much of a brief history is spoken,
yet the history of thousands of years is forsaken.
One boat people denying others,
opportunity to join us as sisters and brothers.
When “patriots” drink and brag,
wrapped in the symbolism of a flag,
that carries the flag of another nation,
the seven pointed star of federation,
and the great emblem of the Southern Cross,
that many have tattooed into their skin, embossed.
YES, let’s celebrate this great southern land,
the glorious gift, temporarily held in our hands,
but let us do it so that every day,
for ALL our people, really is Australia Day.
A few posts back I wrote about cascading words and how sometimes it is impossible to stop the words flowing… But sometimes words fly by and it’s impossible to capture them and when it happens…they taunt…. This is that process.
Briefly through my mind
Then hard to find
Trying to recall that line
Suddenly lost for all time.