Missing my little man.

Just a clock and the ticking of my brain,
slowly passing time, thoughts falling like cascading rain.
My cheeks covered with salty stains,
of tears, that wash away the pain
of your absence, yet still you remain.

In my dreams and in my thoughts,
I vividly recall all the things you fought,
The joy, the happiness that you brought,
The lessons that your struggles taught.

I relive the moments between your breaths,
They were a fathers’ hardest test,
Even though I knew you could not stay,
That it was to be your final day.

One final rise of your small chest,
And it was all over, you and your heart at rest,
as I held your hand and stroked your hair,
accepting you were no longer there.

The days, one by one they pass,
The months, they seem so fast.
But not a moment can go past
Without you carried forever in my heart

Day or night, no matter where I am,
one thing is certain, I’m missing my little man.

Missing Samuel’s spontaneous joy…..

So this is Christmas?

So this is Christmas… An opening line to a famous song that you can find below….. and yes I hope it’s a good one, without any fear, and I hope your wars are over……..

But I know that’s not the case for me and it’s not the case for many people.

I’ve written before questioning whether it is really A Merry Xmas and how this season induces a fair bit of Bah Humbug feeling in me.

Carrying the fear..

This whole year has been filled with an undercurrent of fear as my family was given the news that THAT day had finally come for Samuel, and then we dealt with things not going as expected.

We have had to continue dealing with the fundamental ambiquity of being human and every day with Samuel we continue to deal with the quiet, noise and fear. of continuing to care for him.

Capturing the moment.

I love the photo that I have included in this post… it shows the beauty of my little man and the look melts my heart….

But it’s a look that is fleeting, and came at a cost of some pain to Samuel. However it was great to capture this moment… and some beautiful photos of him with his sisters.

The thing I love most about Christmas is the spontaneity and joy of my children…. but I miss that spontaneity and joy in Samuel and this year it is hitting home that I am missing it again.. and knowing that the way he is we may not get to capture the moments like these with him for much longer.

To quote another verse from the song:

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

So even though I will experience the joy of xmas with my family with an undercurrent of fear…. I know that there are still many others far worse off than we are this xmas.

So, yes I still hope that it’s a good one, without any fear … and that your wars are over soon… but if they are not.. then I will be thinking of you too.

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Tag: love (Page 4 of 5)